the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
