Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
