I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
