I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
