He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
