I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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