I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
