All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
