i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
