i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize