dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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