im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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