Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i love accidental penises.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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