At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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