last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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