Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
