Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
