Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
