Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
