I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
