Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
this just has baby written all over it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
