I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Help. Why am I so naked?
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