My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Im part way to drunk.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
