Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
