Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
