Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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