new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
