this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize