I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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