just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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