I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
When did angry sex become our thing?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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