She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize