just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
