So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
