Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
