We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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