I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
