All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
