I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
