Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
