What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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