I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
