Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
