Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
