I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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