sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
