pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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