He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Everything about him screamed your future.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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