Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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