it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize