allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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