Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
