I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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