Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
