A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
