Your mouth is God's brothel.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You left your phone here
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