I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
