I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
