I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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