I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
