I want to have your abortion
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
