so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
