I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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