she kept yelling 'call me bella'
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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